Mission Ink-possible
by KugaWing
Summary: [CRACK] The water levels are rising, and Inkopolis is in danger. Captain Cuttlefish has a solution, and sends Agents 3, 4, and 8 to gather new turf for Inklings to fight on. You know, they did need a beach stage (T for Agent 3's potty mouth)
1. The Prologue

_[A.N. (cause I know everyone loves these)_

 _this story is purposefully done terribly for your enjoyment and ridicule purposes. It doesn't reflect the beliefs and opinions of the writer. This is a for fun thing, expect updates whenever and however. This is entirely written on mobile, so expect occasional clean up updates for errors. Chapters are short, this story will be all over the place. Which is the point. Have fun and whatnot (or suffer internally that's fine by me too)]_

"Yo, Marina, how do you like them apples of losing the race war?" Pear said from where she was leaning across the table from her coworker.

"It wasn't a race war, Pearl. Although in my defense the 'fresh hair style' kids hadn't been very accustomed to the maps, you know," Marina retorted.

The two pop stars had to pause as the glass that looked out into the Square was slammed on by an Inkling. Heavily breathing on the glass, it was quick to fog over. "Eesh." Pearl mumbled, slowly turned her head away when another Inkling came over, squid flopping as he did so. "Can we go one day without some craziness?! Too much to ask for?"

Marina had raised her hand to speak, and then fell silent at the sight of one Octoling and two Inklings suddenly emerging from the sewer system across town, screeching at the top of their lungs as they darted out of the square. "I'm afraid not, Pearlie. I'm afraid not." Marina recognized the Octoling as Eight, the agent that helped Pearl Nuke NILS. She could only curiously watch the Octoling go.

Little did they know that was probably the last normal day of their lives. At least Pearl is drinking age. She'll probably do just fine.

"Anyone gonna tell me why we're meeting out in the middle of nowhere?" Agent 4 asked. Agent 3 said nothing, as usual. She was the true embodiment of the silent hero type. Spare the occasions that the older Inkling couldn't deal with any of the othe agents and their 'incompetence'. Her, Agent 4, incompetent? She couldn't believe the other Agent would say such a thing!

"I think the Captain called us," Agent 8 said as she followed the others by jumping over the yellow caution tape at the edge of the Square.

"It's the middle of inking nowhere!" The short haired Inkling screeched, waving her Hero Blaster as she continued running. Damn, Agent 3 was fast, her cape fluttering in the wind behind the orange haired Inkling as she ran.

The trio finally stopped at the sight of a giant rocket that was hidden behind a large building. Totally inconspicuous was the giant rocket that was behind such. It was so well hidden. There before it was Captain Cuttlefish. "Hello, Agents!"

"Okay a couple of things, first of all; HOW AND WHY THE FRESH FUCK DO YOU HAVE A ROCKET?!" Agent 3 screamed, slowing her run to a trot so she could erratically gesture with her hands to the giant rocket that stood before the Inklings.


	2. Fly Octo Fly Fail Youtube

"This right here," Captain Cuttlefish pointed with his cane to the massive white rocket (and nearly fell over as a result, mind you) "is called a Neptune Rocket."

One of Agent 4's ears twitched. "You know, I have the sneaking suspicion that you stole that from someone."

"How do you steal an entire rocket?" Agent 8 commented, then gesturing with her hands to the space faring vehicle. "He made this. Obviously. From scratch."

Captain Cuttlefish shook his head. "No, I called up an old friend I met during the war days, he crashed here and left with one of these fancy gadgets!"

"The war days," Agent 3 groaned, "when will I ever go a day without hearing about that?"

Agent 4 shot the older agent a glance. It wasn't nice to talk trash about wars, right? Yet again Agent 3 seemed indifferent to everyone and everything, hating all with the passion of the sun that burned above their heads. "You know," Agent 8 piped up, "I heard back then they only had bamboozlers. Try taking out an Octostomp with a Bamboozler!"

Agent 3 fell silent again as if she was thinking, but Agent 4 suspected the orange haired Inkling had met her speaking limit for the time being. "So, what's the mission Captain?" Agent 4 asked, her green eyes glittering.

The older sea creature adjusted his hat, turning around to look at the massive rocket. "This thing right here; when it hits 88 miles per hour, ya'll're gonna see some serious shit."

"Again. Feels like your using discreet references to othe franchises," Agent 4 duly noted.

"It's a feature." Captain Cuttlefish waved a hand dismissively. "It's better than the drama on the news of Pearl and Marina breaking up over Pearl's alcohol addiction."

"I live at their fancy house," Agent 8 mumbled, flipping one of her tentacles behind her ear. "You know Marina does weed, right? Shoots it in her tentacles. That's how she gets that awesome green gradient look for her tentacles." The Octoling grinned, in stark contrast to the expressions on everyone else's face. "What?"

Agent 4 pressed a hand to her nose. "Okay. Okay. We can talk about how stupid that is later. Still have yet to answer my question of what this mission is about."

Captain Cuttlefish pushed the glasses up further on his face. "Well, in case you haven't noticed or heard in the news, Albacore Hotel has sunk into the ocean."

"Damn,"Agent 3 mumbled, her only glancing over from where she was staring at the space vehicle.

"I call driving!" Agent 8 cooed, one of her ears twitching.

"Agent 3 is driving," Cuttlefish quickly interjected.

Not to be discouraged, Agent 8 bounced on her heels. "I call shotgun then!"

Agent 4 slowly shook her head, leaning against her Hero Blaster. "What's the mission, Captain? I feel like you're dragging this out just for the word count."?

"You've gotta bring back some land. Sheldon has the teleported made- you've just gotta find it."

Agent 4 slowly shook her head. "How-"

"How in fresh fuck is that little blabbermouth of a twat gonna teleport a whole landmass here. Doesn't he know that'll just upset the ocean's water levels even _more_?!" Agent 3 hissed, her dark pink eyes flaring.

Captain Cuttlefish slowly shrugged. "I don't know actually. Ask him not me. But you gotta go right now before my war friend comes back and finds I stole it- I mean, realizes we haven't been using it!"

"That sounds peachy," Agent 4 mumbled, following Agent 8 down the path that led to the ship.

There was an elevator that led up into the ship. Agent 3, as a video game protagonist did, instantly flipped all the levers that she could find. Then she climbed up another ladder, where there were more levers. Agents 4 and 8 were quick to follow after her, not wanting to fall behind the more experienced Inkling.

There was a time capsule, that was the last thing that was needed for the ship to launch. "We need a picture," the long haired Inkling mumbled as she looked the item over.

"Selfie time!" Shrieked Agent 8, pulling out her CQ-80 and snapping a picture of herself, then hitting the nonexistent print button and slamming such inside. The device locked.

 _"Initiating launch sequence, fuckers,_ " sounded the voice over the intercom. There were three seats, Agent 3 having slid into the one with the controls. The other two were benches that didn't match the vibe of the rest of the ship and just had seat belts. " _Fasten up, fucks._ "

"Guess we better listen," Agent 4 said, strapping herself in, Agent 8 waving a hand nonchalantly.

"Nah, I never had to do that on the Deep Sea Metro!" The Octoling insisted, before being slammed into the back of the rocket as it took off. "Aw, fuck."

"This ain't the deep see choo choo train for wimps," Agent 3 snarled over her shoulder, a tentacle whipping around as she did so.

"You try beating Girl Power Station!"

"IM TRYING TO DRIVE SHUT THE FUCK UP."

 _[A.N._

 _Ten nonexistent bucks to whoever can find the most references in this]_


	3. The Crash

"Okay, so where are we heading anyways?" Agent 4 asked as she decided that they didn't exactly have a destination in mind.

"We should go to the moon!" Agent 8 chipped in from where she was floating around the cabin of the rocket in Octopus form, words coming out garbled.

Agent 3 merely pointed out into the vastness of space before them. "That's so helpful," Agent 4 mumbled, slowly shaking her head. She had unhooked herself from the bench shortly after a message had blared saying it was okay to float around. Yet Agent 3 remained put, her dark pink eyes trained on the controls. What a dedicated agent!

"We should use some lunar rocks! That sounds like a great Stage idea!" Agent 8 cheered, pulling off a flip and returning to her humanoid form. "Maybe we can make a weapon that uses lunar rocks to make portals!"

"Don't start with the references," Agent 4 groaned.

"I'll do what I want," Agent 8 returned with a wave of a hand.

Agent 4, now practically on the ceiling, elected to slide her headset off of her head. She paused for a moment, gaze then shifting to Agent 3. "You've been driving for seven hours now and you've only told agent 8 to fuck off once. You doing okay?"

The orange haired Inkling nonchalantly waved a hand, taking another bite out of the taco she had pulled from the depths of a nonexistent fridge. "Agent 3's probably fine," Agent 8 insisted, doing a cartwheel. "Yo, Agent 4, we need to see what Ink looks like in space!"

"We don't have a spawn on this ship, 8," Agent 4 grumbled as she slowly floated back down to the floor via kicking the ceiling. "We'd be dead. Like. Real dead."

"I brought one," Agent 3 threw in; the first words in over three hours. How nice.

"Dammit 3, why'd you do that?!" Agent 4 shrieked, her waving her hands in exasperation.

The older inkling's expression quickly grew unamused, a hand gripping at her stomach. "Invade the inhabitants are hostile, of course." A soft groan escaped her, finally standing up from her seat. "I'll be right back. Agent 4's in charge until I get back. Shouldn't even be four minutes."

"No fair!" Agent 8 wailed from where she was erratically kicking at the glass at the front of the rocket.

Agent 3 just made a gesture with her hand with a certain center finger before she floated out of the room. "Alright, Agent 8," the Inkling turned around, screaming when Agent 8 was in the control seat, hooking her CQ-80 to the control panned with a USB that hadn't been there two seconds ago. "AGENT 8 YOU BITCH-"

•[a]•

"Fuck all of you," Agent 3 hissed as she clambered out of the tiny escape pod she had been practically thrown into, kicking the hatch open. It was an ocean, and just a few yards from her on another life pod was Agent 8 and Agent 4. "What the fuck did you sorry excuses for intelligent life not understand about 'don't touch anything'?!"

"In my defense," Agent 4 shouted as she had to hold Agent 8 back from cannonballing into the ocean, "you were only gone for .00005 seconds, so that's bad management on your part!"

"You wanna go, bitch?!"

"You bet I do! Swim over here and fight me you cape wearing emo!" Agent 4 pulled out her hero shot, then screaming as Agent 3 pulled out an Inkzooka. "A-actually, uh, nevermind."

Agent 3 snorted as she adjusted her cape, then pointing off behind the group. There was a giant statue on the horizon, a beach house seeming attached to such. "Hey guys, this ocean looks like it was picked up to make a giant space escalator and then put back after a tough battle," Agent 8 commented.

"Shut the fuck up Agent 8," Agent 3 snarled as she super jumped off, the other two members of the New Squidbeak Splatoon following.

 _[A.N._

 _next time on mission Ink-possible we get to Steven universe characters not acting like themselves at all, amethyst has a shotgun, agent 8 commits a felony, and Ruby watches too much Indiana jones]_


	4. What About Arson?

[ _okay so I got some reviews so let me respond to them, I don't know how long these reviews have been sitting here because my phone hasn't been updated since 2016 (shudders)_

 _Nor do I know how to respond to reviews as I've never gotten any before so wiggity wiggity here we go._

 _(This is at the front of the chapter because I believe this is p easily skippable lol)_

 _Okay so a guest says, "_ Yes excuse me, HOW IN THE FUCK IS A GOD DAMNED CRACK FIC BETTER THAN EVERY OTHER SPLATOON FIC I'VE READ. I need more. Please."

 _And another says,_ "How is this, a crack fic that is purposely bad, more grammatically correct and entertaining than any other Splatoon fanfiction on this site? Please, continue this."

 _Well your wish is my duty, my 'friends', and after a long wait here's some more bullshit fanficition for you to bask upon. I'm glad that people are liking this story, gives me the will to continue. Not that I need that- you people will deal with my bullshit and like it. Or not. The metaphorical door is always there._

 _But worry not. This fic will continue as long as I am able to pull shitty storylines out of thin air and I have access to internet. Which is 80% of the time. With that aside, let me welcome you to Chapter 4 of Mission Ink-Possible, alternate title 'Agent 3 Can't Control the Squad'_ ]

"The plan is to be super stealthy for this," Agent 3 softly mumbled, pulling the collar of her Hero Gear over her mouth. The silent hero type she was indeed. It gave the Agent an air of seriousness that Agent 4 didn't think was necessary, yet the older Agent did such anyways. Agent 4 always admired that about her, but the other's 'salty' attitude usually always managed to drive the younger Inkling absolutely insane. It made her want to pull her tentacles out!

The orange haired Inkling had turned to see if Agent 8 had gotten the message, but she was no where to be seen. It took Agent 3 less than two seconds to put two and two together (hah that equals four!) before bolting off. "Agent 3 please don't kill her when you find her!" Agent 4 shouted, watching her bolt off towards the town that was not too far away from the beach they had landed on.

Come to think of it, landing on the beach wasn't extremely stealthy in the first place. Oh well. Agent 3 was the smartest and oldest of the group, and Agent 4 assumed that she knew what was doing. That Inkling had survived sanitation, crashing through glass, and going through Octo Valley and Canyon more times than Agent 4 had considered drugs after a ranked battle.

She leaned down, scooping up some sand and watching it fall between her fingers. How she missed New Albacore Hotel, it was the one place that she could go to find sand. Sure, the prices to get there was outrageous, but being the only police force had it's perks. She had sneaked in on numerous occasions for illegal weapon cans being stored around the stage, and had spent those hours basking in the sun. Absolutely wonderful.

"HALT WHO GOES THERE," shouted someone from behind the Inkling. She was quick to whirl around to look, almost snorting at who it was. A person with..a bunch of thin tentacles (hair), and was entirely purple in color. There was also some odd weapon that Agent 4 had never seen before. Brown and long, silver at the end. She didn't know it, but that was a shot gun.

"Uh, Agent 4? New Squidbeak Splatoon?" The Inkling wasn't sure what she was supposed to say, slowly waving her Hero Shot. "What's it to you, anyways?"

The purple colored person swung her hair over her shoulders, pointing the gun at Agent 4. "You're on my property, so I suggest you run along now you weird..thing. Hey, are you a corrupt gem? That plot line hasn't been relevant since season one right?"

"For the love of the kracken not the references." Agent 4 groaned, her free hand applying itself to the Inkling's face. More fourth wall breaking, more references she could feel tingling in her finger tips, yet couldn't understand. It frustrated her. "Look, I told you my name, and I just got here. So if you could tell me where I am and how to leave, I'll go. No trouble at all."

The other had been about to speak, before Agent 8 came super jumping in. "Agent 4, Agent 4 you gotta help me Agent 3 is trying to put out my arson murder fire of 'litness', whatever that means!"

"Your _what_." Agent 4 said incredulously, turning her gaze to the town. It had been lit on fire. It hadn't even been on fire more than ten seconds ago. Agent 4 couldn't believe that she had expected anything less from Agent 8. "Agent 8 what the fresh fuck?!"

Agent 8 threw a tentacle over her shoulder, probably about to give a long, lengthy, and exposition filled explanation for what had happened, before getting distracted by the purple colored human. "Oh my cod! Agent 4 we need to help this sorry person, she has Ebb-ola!"

The person of question had been slowly moving her shot gun between the two other bipedal persons of question, as if debating on who to shoot first. "I'm going to have to bring you in to Deputy Ruby for questioning." She said, turning away and waving a hand. "Come along now."

"Will there be animal crackers?" Agent 8 inquired as she skipped along after the newcomer, Agent 4 glancing over at the town fire. Agent 3 could probably handle that on her own. The younger Agent had zero doubt in her mind about Agent 3's capabilities- she had a cape after all. The moment that you had a cape, anything was possible. The purple skinned person didn't answer, and Agent 8 didn't seem bothered by her question not getting answered.

Sighing, Agent 4 turned away. "I think I'm just going to go find a nice corner to sit in and question my sanity," she said, taking a few paces away.

Then she felt a bunch of bullets slam into her back, the Inkling screeching as she whirled around to face the newcomer, who had fired the shotgun at her. "No, you'll be coming with me for questioning!"

"What seems to be the prob'em over here?" Came what Agent 4 could only describe as an extremely fake accent, as a very short red person wearing something akin to cowboy equipment came over. "Do I need to get out m' pistol?"

"Agent 4 look she is so cute!" Agent 8 squealed, spinning on her heel to scoop up the red skinned person. "Can we keep her?"

"I'm not a dog! I'm Deputy Ruby, the bes' ranger of the wild west!" Ruby screamed, kicking frantically against the Octoling's grip.

"We're at the beach," Agent 4 duly noted, her attention being caught by an Ink Storm appearing to put out the town fire. Good. Agent 3 had twelve special charge ups; the younger Agent assumed that Agent 3 had been doing something beforehand that had kept her from instantly using the special to put out the fire. Could ink even put out a fire? It seemed to be working anyways, and Agent 4 wasn't about to question that logic.

"It may be a western beach," Ruby argued, waving one of her hands, seemingly have forgotten about struggling against Agent 8's grasp.

" **Where the fuck is Agent 8.** "

Agent 4 whirled around to come face to face with Agent 3, the younger Inkling scrambling back. There was a fury in those dark pink eyes, a fury that Agent 4 was glad that she was not on the receiving end of. "Uh, there," Agent 4 pointed.

Agent 8 sheepishly rubbed the back of her head, before turning around and super jumping away. "GOTTA BLAST!"

"STOP WITH THE FUCKING REFERENCES EIGHT!" Agent 4 screamed, nervously glancing over to Agent 3, who looked as if she was considering about first degree murder of the hardest degree. "Uh, Agent 3, are you okay?"

Agent 3 slowly glanced over at Agent 4, lowering the top portion of her Hero Suit to show the lower half of her face. "Fucking delighted," she hissed, before turning to the oddly colored people before them, who hadn't seemed too affected by Ruby getting dropped on the sand by Agent 8 super jumping away, and the purple one over how one of the people that was to be interrogated escaped. "So. Who's the person in charge around here?"


End file.
